Dashboard Confessional-Saints and Sailors
This is where I say I've had enough
and no one should ever feel the way that I feel now.
A walking open wound,
a trophy display of bruises
and I don't believe that I'm getting any better.
Waiting here with hopes the phone will ring
and I'm thinking awful things
and I'm pretty sure that few would notice.
And this apartment
is starving for an argument.
Anything at all to break the silence.
Wandering the house
like I've never wanted out
and this is about as social as I get now.
And I'm throwing away the letters that I am writing you
'cause they would never do,
I would never do.
So don't be a liar,
don't say that "everything's working"
when everything's broken.
And you smile like a saint
but you curse like a sailor
and your eyes say the joke's on me.


What a gorgeous man....this is my theme song...to bad i just wrote an entire blog and it got deleted...sigh....so i guess basically i dunno i just was asked a very interesting question by loveisachoice...she asked me...what is your story?? what makes you you?? wow thats a good question...read my poem below...and then read the song above...basically describes me in a nutshell...im a very introverted person when it comes to my feelings and my emotions i keep it all inside...but im a big extrovert...when it comes to everything else...im a difficult person to figure out...and very few...well one person truly knows me inside and out...and thats leann...im to scared to let neone get to close to me in fear of being hurt...but shes been through it all with me....sigh...i might not show much of my emotions and what not...but im always there for those who need me...especially my friends and family...and well my non-existent significant other...i give my all for those people...they know that i will be there for them no matter what...they can count on me...i give so much of myself ....i guess i neglect myself sometimes...eh well...i dunno....so you wanna know what makes me me?? well ill give u a tiny look at the depths of vanessa's soul, and mind....i guess alot of the things that make me me are the terrible things that have happened to me...the reason why not many people know about whats inside...is beacuse i store it there so that i not so much forget about it completley but so that its not always at the forefront of my mind...because its over, its done, ive learned from it and moved on, become a better and stronger person from it...so just some of the things that immediatley come to the front are....the death of five of my friends...all which occured within a month and a half of eachother.....the constant thought that i was partially responsible for a two and a half year olds death....even though i know i wasnt...it still eats at me....and then just all the things that have happened to me the abuse that i went through when i was a child...and then just recently as well...i guess all those things make me who i am....and yea i mean there are good thigns too...but i guess i just tend to remember the bad things...more than the good....sigh...i dunno...neway...enough of this ....stuff....

so yesterday i did a bad bad thing....yes a bad thing....i smoked my very first cigarette...erm...well not just one though...how about four...yea i smoked four cigarettes yesterday....but ummm...im not planning on doing it ever again...the whole you only live once thing i guess...i tried it and now its outta my system...haha and i bet all of you are like well yea try once but not four times geeze whats wrong with you...well lemme explain what went on...so leann gave me my first one...it was a camel...just you know your regular cig....then i had a clove...mint flavored or something...then a cherry one...well then two cherry ones....yea so its outta my system though...neway....leann is on her way up...and then its off to the bar...again...*rolls her eyes*....eh well what are you gonna do....its not like i drink everytime i go there....i swear i really dont....i just like the atmosphere...haha its kinda like a cheers...where everyone knows your name...haha neway well everyone have a good night....cheers...

Whoo hoo so this is the best movie of all time!!! and it comes out today!!! and im a big nerd so im going to the video store to rent it!!!! *does a jig* if you haven't seen this movie yet i suggest you do becuase it is the greatest!!! *does another jig*

so last night i went to hammy's...big surprise there...not...and i got leann to go with me!! haha even though she was terrified about not getting in....but she did!!! i knew she would...scamiltons..gotta love it...and i sang kareokee...on the bill last night: wonderwall by oasis, and gimme good lovin...then afterwards she and i went to togos to drink some coffee and chat...on the way back we ran into my friend chris...and ooo...justin...he is sooo hott...lemme tell ya this boy is georgeous! hes got the nicest blue eyes and the nicest arms...oww oww....so neway i see justin EVERYWHERE on campus...and it turns out that my friend danny is good friends with him...so one day danny decides that he would introduce us...well thats all gravy....but it doesnt matter cuz im a chicken and wont say nething to him neway....so neway i keep seein him around campus...and oh did i mention how everytime he sees me both before and after danny introduces us he smiles at me??? ahh such a great smile!!! and so yea last night we were standin outside the bar talkin to chris and out walks justin...and he sees me...we make eye contact and he gives me this huge smile....*faints*...and then outta no where i hear this voice saying "hey justin..whats up?"...whoa was that me? umm yea it was...and he turns smiles hes like "hey nothin much" and i smile back and turn away and he goes to keep walkin..and well according to leann he kept lookin back at me smilin....sigh...so that was a long pointless story...

hmmm so ive been really lonley latley...sucks...i miss being in a relationship....i guess part of it is my fault...cuz i have such a hard time opening up to people...and trusting people...and i have a pretty low self-esteem...i mean damn look at me...im pretty ugly....if you dont know what i look like theres a link to my pics in the coloumn on the right but uve been forewarned...get the garbage can...i mean dont get me wrong i know i have a killer personality...but umm the looks just arent there...and so therefore guys wont go for me....sigh...once again sucks to  be me....people keep tellin me its not ur time...ull find someone...but its just not your time right now...well geeze ive been waitin for forever...when is it gonna be my time....but then again i guess...all good things come to those who wait....way to be cliche...arrrr

well i guess that is all for now..here is the song of the day!

Student Rick-I Wish

Oh my sweet give me one last chance
to show my love for you
just one last time
To fall asleep in your arms
we had come so far together
now we don’t even speak to each other

my words aren’t strong enough
to express my heart so I’m only left with
memories in my mind

these days seem so long without you
now the sun doesn’t shine as bright
as it did when we were alone together

Do you remember the nights we spent together
just staring into the starry night
the pain hurts me like an open wound
please just tell me that you still love me

I know I made mistakes
and I am truly sorry
but I never thought
that you’d say good-bye
I want to tell you

these days seem so long without you
now the sun doesn’t shine as bright
as it did when we were alone together

and I’ll move on
my heart’s broken
for my first love

I know deep inside my heart
there are words and those words are yours
I know deep inside my heart
there are words and those words are yours

*ps...i love comments from you guys so leave some for me to read!!!! thanks! :)

 

Song of the day!

Yea so i couldnt find a picture of these guys...damn...and the ones i did find i wasnt able to copy and paste...oh well...maybe next time...so ive been debating on putting whether or not to keep the music on my blog i got it from powerwebmusic.com...but theres pop ups...so i took it off...what do you guys think music on or off?? i think for right now imma put it back up until i get some feed back from ya'll

erm....i was really really really bored.....

You represent... loneliness. Always alone and always sad about it... unlike angst, you don't have to look for a reason to be miserable. You want to be in the company of people but aren't sure how to act when you're with them. Sometimes you have to make an effort. You can't always wait for others to come to you.
(because i needed to be reassured about this issue..)

You have a dominant kiss- you take charge and make sure your partner can feel it! Done artfully, it can be very satisfactory if he/she is into you playing the dominant role MEORW!
(ive never had any complaints...)

-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which means you're rare either that or you cheated :p You're the kind of chick that can hang out with your boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't care about presents or about going to fancy placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy being around your boyfriend.
(Really? then why dont i have a bf?...and no i didnt cheat)


You are Form 1, Goddess: The Creator. "And The Goddess planted the acorn of life. She cried a single tear and shed a single drop of blood upon the earth where she buried it. From her blood and tear, the acorn grew into the world." Some examples of the Goddess Form are Gaia (Greek), Jehova (Christian), and Brahma (Indian). The Goddess is associated with the concept of creation, the number 1, and the element of earth. Her sign is the dawn sun. As a member of Form 1, you are a charismatic individual and people are drawn to you. Although sometimes you may seem emotionally distant, you are deeply in tune with other people's feelings and have tremendous empathy. Sometimes you have a tendency to neglect your own self. Goddesses are the best friends to have because they're always willing to help
(no comments needed for this one)

hand holding - you like to be in constant physical contact with your special someone but you don't want to take things too quickly.
(sigh...so true)


Your element is Water. You are a deep person and a good communicator. Incredibably loving and loyal when your trust is gained and you are fairly mature.Myterious to the utmost water is in everything. One can be an Ocean or a river but nobody truly knows you.
(true again!)


(go figure..he was also my favorite outta the movie!)
all quizzes were taken at quizzila.com

yea...im sooo bored....its dinner time now so imma head back to my apartment and make myself some food!! yum...i think chicken nuggets sound yummy right about now...then imma wait for my friend to get off work...and possibly head out to the bar...yea who goes to the bar on a sunday night?? me and my friends...especially this sunday cuz its our fall break...usually we just go monday and thursday nights...sometimes wed..for wing night..haha wow basically we're their all the time...so often that all the bouncers and bartenders no us by real and fake names...sigh...its like cheers!!! haha its always good times...eh more than likley ill end up falling asleep...i need to get some of that...eh or maybe ill go swim till my arms fall off...i dunno...all i know for sure is that right now my stomach is in the process of eating itself..so imma go make myself some din din...

3 Doors Down-Here Without You

A hundred days had made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lights had made me colder
And I don’t think I can look at this the same
But all the miles had separate
They disappeared now when I’m dreaming of your face
I’m here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight it’s only you and me
The miles just keep rolling as the people either way to say hello
I hear this life is overrated but I hope it gets better as we go
I’m here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it’s only you and me
Everything I know, and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it won’t take away my love
And when the last one falls, when it’s all said and done
it get hard but it won’t take away my love
I’m here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it’s only you and me
I’m here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
But tonight girl it’s only you and me

i hate being lonley....i wish that i could find some one already...im sick of being walked all over, taken advantage of and then kicked to the curb...im sick of putting all of myself and giving all of myself in a relationship and then getting nothing in return....maybe im to nice...maybe i need to be mean...ive tried and i cant...this is the way i am...and i cant change that...and i dont think that i should have to...i want to find someone who is going to love me for me....who is going to love me as much as i do them...respect me as much as i do them....give as much of themselves as i do myself....who is going to accept all of me...just like i will accept all of them...someone who will be with me in my time of need...like i will for them...maybe im asking to much...maybe its just not yet my time...but how much longer do i have to wait?? i get jealous of all my friends both guys and gals...who have wonderful relationships and are so happy....dont get me wrong...im happy for them...im glad that they have someone that they care about someone that cares about them...i just want the same thing....i want it to be my turn to be happy...i want to be able to find someone that can prove to me that it is ok to be myself...someone that can prove to me that it is ok to trust...and love...maybe im asking to much...maybe my standards are to high...if thats the case then im going to die an old and lonley lady...becuase i dont feel that i should lower my standards,or settle for anything less than what i want...sigh...

ooo brandon boyd...so hott...want touch the heiney